Why I Love Berserk

Do you remember the blog about my encounter with police a while ago. That girl Jenny I talked about ended up breaking up with me in a very horrible way sending me in a dark depression that I couldn't get up from. Let's unpack this for a bit and I'll tell you why. Kick back this is going to be a long one:

Back Story

I met Jenny on Facebook we used to go to school together but I don't want to tell you which one. I'm intentionally hiding who she is because despite how dirty she did me my goal isn't have her harassed. She messaged me on facebook when I was in town. She was supposed to be singing at my parents church at this time my parents were still together. I go to service and let me say after service we hit it off.

We started dating for a long time I visited her, she visited me, and we had a full ass relationship it was really beautiful for a time. I thought for a while we were going to be together for ever. 

I'm not going to lie though we weren't doing the best of things because we were both were poly and dating other people but not telling other people without sharing that. This was 10 years ago and I don't do this anymore. I regret doing that and for transparency I don't do this anymore. 

So one day I tell her I want to move at the time I had been living in Boston, MA and wanted to live in New York but one of my partners I was talking to was living in the area. She got instantly jealous and demanded that I move to California. I didn't want to because that would not only cost so much money but I didn't know if I could find a job. She later told me that if we're together we could be there to make each other better. If you recall she had fibromyalgia and I had ADHD and maybe we could help each other get better. 

I agree and move to California this would end up being THE WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE. 

1. first all intimacy left the relationship
2. she was lazy and never really did anything
3. she was ungrateful with any of the things I did for her

I have to admit that I wasn't perfect either I was a bit controlling which isn't the norm for me. I'm very laid back and chill type of nigga. However my goal was to help her heal and get better and I thought getting her on some routine would help her. I regret not asking her if she wanted to do that. She would later just get to a point where she would take her medication on her own and go to bed at really late times.

Regardless our relationship went from being full of love and intimacy to being dry and distant. As the months went by I started experiencing panic attacks and these were some of the worst panic attacks of my life. I remember asking her that if I wasn't doing well in life and had money would she be with me and she said "No". When she told me that I realized that I had made a HORRIBLE mistake by moving across the country to live with this person especially when I maxed out both my credit cards. 

Well one day she decides to leave the home for the past month she decided she was going to drive herself to the therapist. I thought nothing of this until she came back with a police officer. If you know anything about me this scares me a lot because I was racially profiled in California and very blatantly. She just comes in says nothing goes to her room to get her things. I ask her what's going on? The officer explains she's here to get her things and leave. He advises me to stay with put as she gets her things. 

Jenny didn't say anything and to this day I've not heard from her since. She took the car too which led to me not being able to me not getting the job. I'm ashamed to admit that I begged to work something out with the car but she didn't answer. My ex employer told me to not bother coming in when I told them I was having car troubles so eventually I had to come home leaving everything I owned.

Redemption

I had nothing but my clothes, a few pieces of tech, and my laptop. It sucked I can't tell you HOW MUCH I lost in California. My credit score would later go down to 660 from 750 and I just couldn't do anything. It sucked just not having money or being to take care of myself. 

I spent time applying to many jobs I got a few low end tech jobs but they were nothing to scoff at. I was barely making anything at these jobs and in some cases was working for free. However it was better than nothing at the time. 

What kept me going was reading manga and I would go back and read some of the anime I liked in my childhood. Full metal alchemist, Yu Yu Hakusho, Hunter x Hunter, and then there was Berserk. For a long time I thought berserk was just the black swordsman arc but there are a bunch a chapters and other arcs that go with it. 

Let me tell you I ingested this shit like it was crack/cocaine I loved every second of it. What makes Berserk so great isn't that it's this edgy story about sex, and violence. It's about one man's drive to over come adversity in a world that doesn't care about his survival. He has no powers, is disabled, and is destined to die due to his brand. I've never read a story like berserk and I don't think I ever will. 

It gave me the will to continue on after I lost everything. Even when things looked so dire. I had hoped Kentaro Miura would be alive to see the end of his series but sadly he died May 6, 2021. I will never forget the impact Berserk has had on my life and will continue to struggle against the odds no matter how bad things look. 

With that said I DO NOT RECOMMEND YOU READ BERSERK. Berserk has a lot of violence, murder, and sadly sexual assault. While there are some times it's done well there are too many times where sexual assault is used as a threat to scare people and as shock value. So if you are sensitive to those topics I don't recommend you read the series. However if this isn't enough to deter you go ahead and read the manga. 

Don't watch the anime though it kinda blows chunks lol.